Black Metal Habitat

If you're a fan of black metal, then this one is going to be a no-brainer for you. For everyone else: where do half naked men, wearing leather or loin cloths, caked in black and white makeup who like to sing about the joys of Satan live? The answer may surprise you.

A mental hospital? No. A forest!

Just looking at this makes me want to burn a church!

Here are a few examples of how forests connect to metal.

First of all, we've got the legendary black metal band "Carpathian Forest"...

Next up is the Ukranian band "Hate Forest"...

Now, this is just a guy standing in a forest...

And this is the cover of the album Forest, by a band called Forest.

Whatever way you choose to look at it, there's no denying that forests are fucking metal.

Album Art

For today's lesson, we're going to play "Metal or Not?" by looking at some album artwork. Ready?

Metal...

Metal...

Metal...

 Not.

 

Metal...

 Very fuckin' metal...

Not quite.

 

Metal...

Oh man.. what the fuck.

The message here is that the children of our time are fucked in the head. I mean, look at that shit. Even Satan prays to God some times, in the hopes that God will answer his prayers and flip Brokencyde's van...

Still waiting to hear back on that one, God.

Sick Bands You May Not Know - Syphilic

Syphilic is the one-man project of Brian Forgue. Forgue plays guitar, bass, does vocals and programs drums all by himself, and unlike some solo death metal acts, he doesn't disappoint.



I only recently got a chance to listen to his latest full-length release "Behind Bars" which came out in March this year. I had already listened to his other album and EP extensively, both of which I thought were great. His new album is even better. There's also something to be said about a guy who has released two albums, an EP and a demo all without a label, not to mention other band members. He's pretty fucking talented.

Brian Forgue is fuckin' metal.

Sick Bands You May Not Know - Sarcolytic

If you're a fan of death metal and you don't know Sarcolytic, you've been missing out. At a time when the "death metal" scene has been over run with deathcore and kids who think that the more breakdowns a song has, the more talented the artists who perform it are, really talented death metal bands are few and far between. Enter Sarcolytic.



They play technical brutal death metal, and while some say that technicality is the complete opposite of brutality (i.e. the chuggier and breakdown-ier the song is, the more br00tal points it gets), Sarcolytic, orchestrate a mix of shredding guitars and a wall of drums that's just too fucking brutal to NOT be brutal!

You can download their first full-length release, "Thee Arcane Progeny" here.

Death Metal and Cooking

Steve Hughes is an Australian comedian and drummer. Nazxul, Slaughterlord, and Mortal Sin, are just a few of the bands he's drummed for over the years, and he's also pretty fucking funny.

He's got a unique brand of comedy, and Nazxul kick ass, so I'd recommend checking out his other stand up work (one clip is below) as well as some of his bands.



Steve Hughes is fucking metal.

The Comprehensive Metal Guide

In all seriousness, this video includes everything you need to know about being metal. It's my bible, and I mean that literally. I live by this video. Take notes kids, this shit is important.

HEADBANGING!

Now, this is a pretty big one. Headbanging is so metal, it makes rapists cry. The best part? You don't even need long hair! (But if you don't, get ready for a sore neck, and possibly even concussion. No, I am not joking.)

Want to headbang to prove to all those grimy (er.. sexy?) metal chicks that you're kvlt but you're not sure how? Well, here's a great video to get you started! Just do everything you see here. Although, waving a paddle around is optional.

 

It's that easy! Now you're headbanging like a champ!